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Wednesday, 9 April 2014

For the first time in my life I have felt the lowest of myself today

Hey Everyone!! :D

Given by the title I'm sure you all know what it means. It's normal to feel like this but to me it's not the same. I know I always say good things and hardly anything negative but I just wanted to show you all that I'm still a human and I do have moments that I'm not proud of. Also if I share it to you all then you will learn something too - I hope. So for it to be less depressing I will try my hardest to make sure to end on a positive note.

Yesterday, I made a huge mistake that was Islamically not right. This mistake that I've done I did it while knowing it was wrong. Which makes it a bigger sin. After I did this I straight away sorted it out but the feeling I was left with was the most I felt disgusted in myself. The mistake, I would say, involved a little bit of free mixing (please look it up in the Islamic concept to understand what I mean) now I know it's wrong and Haram and this is why I feel incredibly guilty. I felt worst of myself for it.

Now the reason why it was so extremely horrible for me was because I'm the type of person that can't cry when I need about myself. So if you wanna see me cry all you gotta do is put me in front of a tragedy movie or anything sad and I'll most probably would end up crying! It's like I bottle everything in and this was one of the things (inc. my health as another) that I was not sharing to anyone for a long time.

Until finally I told my big sis, now I know when I do I would let it all out - by crying - and I did. It was the most uncomfortable thing that I have ever felt because I don't like to express my troubles and stress to others so when I do I don't like it at all and I feel like I'm giving them a huge burden by doing so even though I know it's not for them. For me personally it feels like that.

After that my sister was really comforting and was supporting and to be honest it felt great I feel like a sense of release overcame me and for just a little moment my health was not bothering me and I truly felt happy.

Another thing that really touched my heart was the fact that someone I know said this to me yesterday: I made Dua for you, your family and for your health. THAT was the most sweetest thing anyone could ever tell me because it was genuine and I was moved to tears when I was telling my big sis about it (I was just crying it all out to my sis after such a long time about everything I'm going through).

So that's what happened yesterday but NOW I'm back to being the me you all know and love :P I hope you learnt something from this I know for me it's to not do stupid things while KNOWIG I'm doing them and also to try and work on not bottling everything up but that's something I know I'll do again and for that I know it won't last long inside me and it will come out eventually so that's as good as its gonna get ;)

I'm really fortunate to be tested by Allah by my health and not by something else I'm aware many other people suffer a lot more than me and that is how I sooth myself but at the same time feel concerned for others. Which is why I care a lot about others more than myself ^_^

So if you're ever feeling so low please don't feel like you're alone everything happens for a reason and coming from someone who is always optimistic like myself even I have moments like that. People just deal with it differently, if you're one of those people who find comfort by speaking to others about hen to for it! If your someone who expresses it through art, writing or anything creative then go for it!! If you're like me and don't like expressing your negative side then find a way show it in another form my advice to those who are like me would be to express it to someone you're close to and you will feel the most happiest. Believe me! And if you're thinking I had no one around me and you can't do so then....Hi :) you can always tell me I'm told that I'm a good listener and advice giver so I'll always be here to listen!

I hope this wasn't too negative if so I apologise! One good thing I can say is that I am feeling SUPER optimistic and happy right now after playing chase with Aston hehe. I hope to rub off some of that optimism with you all!! Take care and think positive and stay strong Tarana A beaming star shining with positivity for the world to embrace xoxox

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